notenoughtime 662 Posted January 18 Report Share Posted January 18 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jerrytom161 166 Posted January 20 Report Share Posted January 20 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katana 665 Posted January 20 Report Share Posted January 20 On 18/01/2021 at 18:56, notenoughtime said: I think I prefer the original ! Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted January 22 Author Report Share Posted January 22 A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!" Link to post Share on other sites
caprimk1v4 125 Posted January 23 Report Share Posted January 23 I think that is great, made my day. Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted January 23 Author Report Share Posted January 23 A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told. Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?" "Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted January 25 Author Report Share Posted January 25 Think I'd have guessed at the other answer too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted January 28 Author Report Share Posted January 28 Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can both store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 and $699 depending on cup and speaker size. In a marketing campaign they announced this to be a major social breakthrough as women have complained for eternity that men stare at their breasts without listening to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted February 4 Author Report Share Posted February 4 Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer" says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything". The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me". "What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rally Pack 2000 1,587 Posted February 7 Report Share Posted February 7 The youth of today! Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted February 8 Author Report Share Posted February 8 So the Royal Navy made the headlines in the UK today........and have now decided on a new direction for the services they offer Link to post Share on other sites
Rally Pack 2000 1,587 Posted February 13 Report Share Posted February 13 Happy Valentines Day! Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted February 22 Author Report Share Posted February 22 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daddio 20 Posted February 23 Report Share Posted February 23 Huge panic in Liverpool today! Apparently some Scousers thought Boris said by July every adult would be offered a job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vista 2,926 Posted February 24 Author Report Share Posted February 24 Link to post Share on other sites
Rally Pack 2000 1,587 Posted February 26 Report Share Posted February 26 Funny yet not funny Link to post Share on other sites
notenoughtime 662 Posted Thursday at 21:29 Report Share Posted Thursday at 21:29 Link to post Share on other sites
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