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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told.

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"

"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..."

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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can both store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 and $699 depending on cup and speaker size.

In a marketing campaign they announced this to be a major social breakthrough as women have complained for eternity that men stare at their breasts without listening to them.

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Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving, go and tell the farmer" says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything".

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me".

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".

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