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Seen any good jokes you want to share?


Vista
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  • 2 weeks later...
On 04/02/2021 at 16:54, Vista said:

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving, go and tell the farmer" says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything".

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me".

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".

This one very good :D

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  • 3 weeks later...


An old Sailor sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was....

 

 

but I just found out I'm a lesbian. 
 

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5 hours ago, Vista said:

#Topical @Rally Pack 2000 anything that pisses Macron off is alright by me. 

FB_IMG_1631995760059.jpg

The French positively hate us this week (im sure China will be knocking at their door any minute to build new alliances and join the Australia hate club) But if you quote 56 Billion Dollars then blowout the costs to 90 Billion Dollars before the first bolt has been purchased and then say that they wont be delivered more than 10 years later than promised then contracts do have a tendency to be revisited. That said I was in favour of the French submarines originally as the Japs wanted to sell us these crap things that had never seen the light of day and got the Americans to try pressure us into the deal for the sake of the alliance. (a sore point for us given Sydney Harbour was attacked by Japansese submarines in the war and we are still a bit miffed) Two years later China are now the worlds biggest ar*eholes and conventional diesel/electric subs wont cut it. Times are a changing. The irony of that picture above is that they will all be the right way up together patrolling the South China Sea! Maybe it will help both Navies with parts swapsies while active out on patrol together and so we can stick to swapping French Films instead.

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