Vista Posted March 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2020 The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'. 😷 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rally Pack 2000 Posted March 29, 2020 Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted March 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 13 hours ago, Rally Pack 2000 said: I bet a bite would smart a bit though! What is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DT36 Posted March 30, 2020 Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Vista said: I bet a bite would smart a bit though! What is it? Looks like a Baby Ewok getting finger blasted on Endor by a a Jedi who appears to be a bit of a wrong un to me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted March 31, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2020 I got cut up by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab" I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab" I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "Ok" I said "Let's go" As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted March 31, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2020 It's all going on in Kent 😂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rally Pack 2000 Posted April 1, 2020 Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted April 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2020 A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says... "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted April 7, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2020 Sounds like my house! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted April 7, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted April 9, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 1 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted April 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy Father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khanlad Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 Thats good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rally Pack 2000 Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted May 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2020 Being an ex matelot, I just love jokes that the RAF are the butt of. A member of the "Elite" RAF Regiment dies & goes to heaven. St Peter meets him at the pearly gates and says "You can’t come in here wearing that uniform"! He says "oh go on, I’m a decent bloke" St Peter says " well, let's see, have you donated to charity"? He says "no". St Peter says "have you helped old men or ladies cross the road"? He says "no". St Peter says "last chance, have you done anything brave"? He thinks and answers "Yeah, I ran through the centre of Exmouth with this RAF uniform on shouting screw you you Bootneck pussys"! St Peter raises an eyebrow and says "That is very brave, but perhaps a little stupid. When did you do that"? He replies sheepishly "about 3 minutes ago". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katana Posted May 4, 2020 Report Share Posted May 4, 2020 You Tar's are a tough crowd! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted May 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted May 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2020 While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "My guess is that she's still in the ditch." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vista Posted July 4, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 Not really a joke...........but it did make me laugh. 😀 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerrytom161 Posted July 4, 2020 Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerrytom161 Posted July 4, 2020 Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerrytom161 Posted July 4, 2020 Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerrytom161 Posted July 4, 2020 Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eeb43 Posted July 4, 2020 Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 42 minutes ago, Jerrytom161 said: i assume the vauxhall didnt make it that far!!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colr6 Posted July 4, 2020 Report Share Posted July 4, 2020 19 minutes ago, eeb43 said: i assume the vauxhall didnt make it that far!!!! It carried on no problem at all.....🤣🤣🤣 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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