katana Posted January 20, 2021 Report Posted January 20, 2021 On 18/01/2021 at 18:56, notenoughtime said: I think I prefer the original !
Vista Posted January 22, 2021 Author Report Posted January 22, 2021 A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
caprimk1v4 Posted January 23, 2021 Report Posted January 23, 2021 I think that is great, made my day.
Vista Posted January 23, 2021 Author Report Posted January 23, 2021 A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told. Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?" "Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..." 1
Vista Posted January 25, 2021 Author Report Posted January 25, 2021 Think I'd have guessed at the other answer too! 1
Vista Posted January 28, 2021 Author Report Posted January 28, 2021 Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can both store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 and $699 depending on cup and speaker size. In a marketing campaign they announced this to be a major social breakthrough as women have complained for eternity that men stare at their breasts without listening to them. 1
Vista Posted February 4, 2021 Author Report Posted February 4, 2021 Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer" says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything". The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me". "What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow". 1
Vista Posted February 8, 2021 Author Report Posted February 8, 2021 So the Royal Navy made the headlines in the UK today........and have now decided on a new direction for the services they offer
Daddio Posted February 23, 2021 Report Posted February 23, 2021 Huge panic in Liverpool today! Apparently some Scousers thought Boris said by July every adult would be offered a job. 1
Vista Posted April 1, 2021 Author Report Posted April 1, 2021 So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbour's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. 😢 I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbours could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I rushed back home. (Don't judge me 😒) Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbours screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it......but now it's back in the cage. 😳 1
Rally Pack 2000 Posted May 11, 2021 Report Posted May 11, 2021 Australians get sick of the stereotyping of being nothing but beaches, sharks, dingoes and snakes! DOH!!!! - You forgot the spiders so there! 😛
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