Genuine CSA responses?

[SmokeEm]

"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."

 

"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."

 

"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."

 

"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."

 

"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."

 

"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."

 

"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."

 

"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."

 

"..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."

 

"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."

 

"..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."

 

"..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."

 

"..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."

 

"..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."

 

"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."

 

[SmokeEm]

Also 'letters to the council' (allegedly)

 

 

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

 

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

 

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

 

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

 

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

 

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

 

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

 

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

 

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

 

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

 

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

 

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

 

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

 

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

 

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

 

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

 

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

 

"I am a single doris living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

 

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

 

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

 

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

 

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

[looney_mom]

pmsl

[SmokeEm]

Followed by insurance claims....

 

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

 

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

 

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

 

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

 

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

 

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

 

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

 

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

 

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

 

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

 

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

 

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

 

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

 

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

 

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

 

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

 

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

 

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

 

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

 

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

 

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

 

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

 

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

 

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

 

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

 

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

 

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

 

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

 

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

 

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

 

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

 

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

 

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

 

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

 

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

 

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

 

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

 

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

 

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

 

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

 

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

 

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

 

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

 

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

 

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

 

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

 

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

 

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

 

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

 

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

 

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

[BIGKEV]

 

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

[Vista]

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

 

Is it wrong that this one made me laugh harder than any of them? Poor dog