Genuine COmplaint to Edinburgh Police

[NHR115]

Here's a thought for all the Embra dwellers on the service your boys in blue / black /

yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely

brilliantly written.....

 

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public

 

 

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

 

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

 

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves

kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem

works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

 

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

 

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants

around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

 

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

 

I remain sir, your obedient servant

 

 

Mr ??????

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused

by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to

contact the police.

 

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer

of discussing the matter fully with you.

 

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address

/ telephone number) and when may be suitable.

 

Regards

 

PC ???

 

?????????????

 

Community Beat Officer

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear PC ?????

 

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original

e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police

station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter

for inclusion in his next book.

 

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat

officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the

five or so years I have lived in West

Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you

hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang

itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the

one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time

before you are headhunted by MI5.

 

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in

Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and

attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no

more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play

their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one

at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

 

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll

buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

 

Regards

 

???????

 

 

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work

for the cleansing department.

[KJ 1320]

that made me chuckle

[escortmad79]

[mk1mexico]

[sab6024]

FPMSL

[Twinkle]

fpmsl

[NHR115]

Its certainly one way of getting the police's attention

[mk3cokebottle]

shit hot

[Trevmk3]

fookin class

[Mick The Mig]

So true.

A local motorcycle shop was broken into, police station 200 yards round corner. neighbour opposite phones police with details. they promise to attend. neighbour phones again after ten minutes and says that a motorcycle has been started inside the shop. Police assure her that car is on its way. she replies that front window of shop has been smashed and five minutes later two scroats ride out on a trail bike. After a further 15 minutes police arrive!!!!!!

[ratman]

pure class

 

London plod are just as lame

last year Mrs. ratman was assorted by our next door nebour at 5pm

We rang the police to be told officers on there way

I ran on the hour for the next 8 hours to be told 5 mints away

At 1am I finely get the local top plod on the phone (after I had throwing a few choice F & C in to the dick head who started to say 5 mints away)

 

To be told there to busy because the local Asians was rioting what time did they start said I ?

 

11pm said mr plod !!

 

That’s funny I said that’s 6 hours after I first rang

 

They finally turned up 26 hours after the 1st call

 

And took 4 weeks to arrest the cock

 

Then the CPS decided not enough evidence

 

Apple Pies

[NHR115]

Just read in the paper this morning that the guy who wrote the letter has made a complaint to Lothian & Borders Constabulary as the letter was leaked to the public. The guy and his wife are now living in fear of their lives as the youths know it was them who wrote the letter

[Mr Sam]

there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths)

 

hahaha

 

story oop in the north of scotland a farmer contacted the police said theres some youths fidling with something 'no cant get out not enough cars' so the chap explains he will fetch his shot gun and sort them out himself

 

5 minutes late 3 police cars came screaming up

 

'you said you had a gun' 'you said you didnt have any cars available'

 

 

 

 

and Sean Conoroy (James Bond) his first job was as a milkman in Leith