mk1super Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Or drive it!!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
evil knievel Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 it's true! Haynes: For this task you will need a special tool... Translation: Get a bigger hammer.
antz Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 so true!!!!! removal is the oppsite of fitment...i hate that one
Rick Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. quality
caprinerd Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 lubricate before installing=remove it dumb arse and start again and this time lubricate
antz Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 first time i ever read the haynes manual i was removing my dash clocks (no kowledge what so ever) and it said: reach behind the dash and undo the speedo cable...fair enough you might think but HOW THE fook DO YOU REMOVE IT!?!?!?!?! Didnt tell me it was a push in, twist and pull out job
Rick Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 to be honest theyre pretty useless anyway
5hane Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 PMSL !!! almost as good as that guys garage translation thing from ages ago (cant remember what ti was.. but it was funny ) this is one of my faves.. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Gonzo Posted September 27, 2008 Report Posted September 27, 2008 'apply moderate heat' should read 'Now's the time to get the gas axe...'
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