No, in your bestest Brummie voice...
It was a foggy day on the sixth of May
In a Scammell haulin' bricks
It was just crackin' dawn and I started to yawn
Cos I couldn't find any nice chicks.
I'd tried Newport Pagnell, Toddington,
And even Watford Gap,
But after so many eggs and chips, sausage and beans
What I really needed was a nap.
It's a lonely life, truck driving
But it's better than a bike
Cos when you're up in the cab, you're the king of the road
And it's dead romantic, like.
And then I remembered my two-way radio,
So I started feelin' better,
And I thought "I'll start a convoy"
"You know, just like that American feller."
[Chorus]
Thus began the saga
On the M1 Motorway
Of the biggest bloomin' convoy
Outside the USA.
Why not join our line-up?
It's completely free.
All you need is transport
And a current MOT.
Convoy!
[On the CB]
Hello, this is Super Scouse callin'. Anyone out there, come on?
Hello, hello, this is Plastic Chicken, go off?
That's "come on" - what's your load, Plastic Chicken?
Er, well it would have been quick-drying cement, but the rain got in - do you know anyone who wants to buy a three-ton brick?
So there we were, the two of us,
At the start of something big.
There was Plastic Chicken with his brick on wheels,
And me in my big rig.
With every junction that we passed
Others would tag on
There was even a London Transport bus
"Hey, that's a nice wagon - fares please..."
It certainly was an impressive sight,
To see us on the road
There was vehicles of every shape and size
It certainly had growed.
Suddenly there was this commotion,
There was a circus, and a fair.
There was an animal acrobatic act
"Ooh look - a bear in the air!"
[Chorus]
You're listening to the saga,
On the M1 Motorway.
Of the biggest blooming convoy,
Outside the USA.
We're half-way through our story,
But please don't go away.
They're on Spaghetti Junction
"We could be here all day..."
Convoy!
[On the CB] Hello, Plastic Chicken to Super Scouse, gerroff, I mean come in, er, come on - oh, do I have to say this every time?
Yeah - have you seen any fuzzboxes? - that's slang for police cars.
Er, Jackanory, Super Scouse - that's slang for No!
That's Negatory, you berk...
Ooh I say, is this a private convoy or can anyone join in?
What's your wheels, our kid?
Would you believe, a camper...?
Spaghetti Junction was coming up
So we were bound to lose a few.
And sure enough, the fork-lift truck,
Disappeared heading up towards Crewe.
The combine harvester shred a wheel,
And the driver lost control.
And a mobile DJ crashed his van,
So we ain't gonna play no Soul, 10 - 4.
[Chorus]
So we end our story,
On the M1 Motorway.
Of the biggest blooming convoy,
Outside the USA.
This record is good value,
As you can plainly see.
It's labelled as a tax disc
Though it's [words indistinct]
Convoy!
[On the CB]
Er, Plastic Chicken to Super Scouse, there's a big black limo coming up behind...
Er, what about it?
Well it's got a flag on the front and a funny number plate - "HRH 1"
Mercy sakes, good buddy, you'd better give it the front door and wave her on, like...
Will do, Super Scouse, I'm waving her on - ooh look, she's waving back, isn't that nice...
Plastic Chicken, do you want to stick it in behind that suicide jockey?
What's a suicide jockey?
As it happens, How's about...
Er, Plastic Chicken, don't you think you'd better change gear for this hill?
What's wrong with the gear I've got on, doesn't it look right?
Change gear, ram your foot on the floor and change the gear, what you talking about, you don't know how to drive a truck do you, you've no idea how to drive a truck, you're mad... (continue to fade)
