this is a letter of complaint i just had to write

[steve1199]

Dear Sir or Madame

 

i have tried to phone you to explain the situation with the account ref ******** but unfortunately your phone lines seem to be manned by unevolved pond life that has just crawled out of the primordial ooze. All i can say is that it is lucky that they have head sets as i don't think that they actually have opposable thumbs. I have explained why you did not receive your payment this month but unfortunately your phone staff do not listen (i guess they are too busy picking the peanuts out of they're poo or learning to write they're name on the wall with their own faeces). To parody the old song, "Fish gotta swim, ****** Financial gotta waste natural resources." From what I understand, ****** Financial refuses to come to terms with reality. It prefers instead to live in a fantasy world of rationalization and hallucination.

 

As i have explained to them i did not make this months payment due to the fact that i have had no receipt from you to say that you received the first payment i made. i admit that i did use some long words to your phone staff and i should of realised that most of them probably haven't got past spot the dog in their badly needed reading classes. Nevertheless, you should realize that I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with ****** Financial and its companions, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that ignorance is bliss. This may be why ****** Financial's associates are generally all smiles. While we are on the subject of your phone staff can i suggest that we give all of them type writers that way we could find out if it is true that given enough time they could type out the complete works of Shakespeare(that is a reference to chimps thought i best explain that just in case one of the phone operators manages to read this).

 

As i said i have asked for receipt of payment from your company for the first payment i made but i have been refused this basic legal right that we have in this country.

 

I'm probably not the first to mention that if it were up to ****** Financial, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. Under these conditions,****** Financial has warned us that in a matter of days, the worst kinds of belligerent unsympathetic-types there are will incite pogroms, purges, and other mayhem. If you think about it, you'll realize that ****** Financial's warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that ****** Financial is extremely pompous. In fact, let's see what my Pompous-O-Meter has to say about it. Whoa! The needle is off the scale! It's a good thing I checked, because the tone of ****** Financial's ideologies is eerily reminiscent of that of lethargic, impetuous troublemakers of the late 1940s, in the sense that ****** Financial periodically puts up a facade of reform. However, underneath the pretty surface, it's always business as usual.

 

Fact: ****** Financial is morally debased and has no convictions of right or wrong.

 

Fact: I could go on in this same vein for hours.

 

Fact: ****** Financial has inherited the whole of its little stock of phrases and notions, which it is pleased to call "ideas", from asinine mouthpieces for contemptible, polyloquent anarchism

 

As i have explained to your staff who fail to grasp even the most monosyllabic use of the english language once i have received a receipt for the payment which i am legally entitled too i will make the next payment quite willingly. All i ask for is a receipt of payment from you. for all i know you could be anyone in this day of identity theft you could of even got my personal details out of a bin for all i know (which would not surprise me as after talking to your staff i am led to believe that they were eating out of bins two months ago and only applied for jobs with you because their careers as big issue sales persons were not quite panning out for them).

 

For your information if you refuse to supply a person with a receipt once they have asked for one you are actually breaking the law.

 

it is because of this lawless behavior that i have received from you that i am with holding payment which is my legal right. just to break that previous statement down for you as i know i have too in to monosyllabic wording. You break law by not give me receipt so i keep cash till you not break law no more. Was that clear enough for you i hope so as i do understand that your staff only have an IQ two points higher than a wet sponge's. so if you could just rectify this situation all will be well again and your staff can go back to their cages and masterbate infront of the visitors too the zoo again.

 

So in closing if you send to me what you have to send to me by law i will make the payment you are begging for like a scotsman on a london street.

 

Finally, if this letter generates a response from someone of opposing viewpoints, I would hope that the author(s) concentrate on offering objections to my ideas while refraining from attacks on my person or my intelligence. I've gotten enough of that already from ****** Financial.

 

 

 

Yours Sincerly

 

Steven Peters

 

 

 

Let me know if you think i went to far

[over_head_cam]

Sounds fine to me. Perfectly acceptable

 

 

 

 

 

But take the 'e' off madame

[steve1199]

i guess that was me lowering my iq to their level lol

[escamino]

That sounds about right. Can I use some of it when sending a letter to the local council.

[steve1199]

feel free lol

[Mrs O/H/C]

WELL PUT...

[ZetecVan 2.0]

But take the 'e' off madame

 

Sorry to come across like a pedantic English teacher but make sure everything is spelt correctly and you've got correct punctuation and capitals. It has a better impact.

 

 

of they're poo or learning to write they're name

 

It's 'their'.

 

you'll realize that Lowell Financial's

 

It's 'realise'. You spelt it correctly earlier in the letter.

 

you. for all i know

 

Capital F needed. And you've ended the sentence with 'for all I know' too

 

this lawless behavior

 

It's behaviour

 

visitors too the zoo again.

 

It's 'to'

 

 

All in all, 7 out of 10. Good composition, but some sloppy mistakes. Can do better.

 

 

 

 

 

[steve1199]

i not gonna worry bout it as i don't think the people i am writing to can actualy read

[Toby]

Reads a little pugnaciously to me!!

 

 

Are you really gonna send it??

 

I spotted a few typo's too

 

 

Typewriter (one word)

 

"i am legally entitled too i will make the"

 

entitled to

 

"you as i know i have too in to monosyllabic"

 

as I know I have to into

 

"of the visitors too the zoo again."

 

to the zoo

 

"than a wet sponge's. so"

 

a wet sponge

 

"I've gotten enough of"

 

I have had

 

 

 

 

Gets it off your chest hey!!

[louie bagel]

i was laughing all the way through priceless

[over_head_cam]

Fook me. I thought I was a pedant

 

Excellent letter mate. I'm sure most of us have felt the same way at some time. Especially with this type of company

 

*spell check*

*spell check*

*spell check*

*copy and paste to WP*

*grammar check*

 

Safe!

[Guest MK1gaz]

top stuff . I may use that for the useless tossers (D.H.L.) that charged me £50 to deliver a parcel then lost it in the croydon depo 1 hour after picking it up !!!!!!!!!

[Twinkle]

[mk2_escort_chick]

I have explained why you did not receive your payment this month but unfortunately your phone staff do not listen (i guess they are too busy picking the peanuts out of they're poo or learning to write they're name on the wall with their own faeces).

Love it!!!!

[oldbus]

Nice one Steve, but even corrected it will not make it past the secretary type person who opens the post!!

[steve1199]

if i ran the company i'd put it up on the staff room notice board to motivate the staff but in their case bananas may be beter fot that job

[surfingturnip]

class, I cant stop laughing

[Vista]

Whilst I sympathise with you and agree with everything you've said, I doubt the person that opens and reads it will get past the first paragraph before rolling his eyes and chucking it in the bin.

 

Unfortunately whilst the temptation to be rude is huge when you've received a substandard service, winding up the person that reads your letter is going to do you no favours in getting your complaint resolved.

 

I'd just stick to the facts and tell them payment will be made once you have received a receipt for the previous payment, oh and send it recorded.

[over_head_cam]

Probably true Scott, but I bet writing it made him feel better, it would me ;)

[steve1199]

oh it did clicking send was even better

[Vista]

Probably true Scott, but I bet writing it made him feel better, it would me ;)

 

Agreed, me too, I think I might even have been tempted to smear dog poo on the paper too.

[over_head_cam]

Dog poo is always a winner

[steve1199]

lets be honest here cat shit is even worse

[Toby]

lets be honest here cat crap is even worse

 

Should make their peanuts taste funny if they're used to human excretion!! Good idea!

[sab6024]

I was wetting myself Steve I now wish I'd sent the one I wrote to BT (while on hold for 45 mins ) the other day instead of just putting up with a conversation with some bird.

 

Did you really send it though?