HELLO TO ALL and a handy fact sheet

[mr bump]

First of all a big hello to everyone on OSF, it was a plesure to receive my activation code, hence, all systems go. Just thought id post a workshop list for all to print off and put up on your garage wall.

 

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of

your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the

room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully

set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with

the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from

fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major

refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It

transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you

attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VICE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else

is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm

of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat

to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on

fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you

want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for

testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt

holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum

sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut

on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to

disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver

tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as

the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws

into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to

remove in order to replace a 50p part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are

trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to

your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl

records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and

rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only

while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT'

at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

Pub for me now.

[antz]

good first post

[FlashCadillac]

PMSL!!!!

 

So true

[bomber1]

have u been into old fords long then?

[LEONMEX]

[FredTransit]

PMSL! Sooo true...

[tazrocks88]

that is one great list PMSL

[sab6024]

[dragaddict]

[escortmad79]

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Most commonly used in the creation of blood-blisters.

That's more like it

[zetecmk2]

thats a good read

[radar tech]

[Kieran]

[Rick]

all so very true

[Copey]

i think thats possibly the best first post i have ever read!!! great!!

 

 

Welcome to the forum Mr Bump! hope you stick around!

[5hane]

 

thats brilliant.. might print one off for work

[bullittcraig]

PMSL....You`ll blend in well in this forum. First class post

[surfingturnip]

welcome to osf hope adn a great first post.

[keeh]

crackin list there.

 

we like to call hammers the 'blending tool' at work, best not tell you who i work for or the prestigious british car compies we make exhausts for

[MK2Ed]

Nice one...

[jay]

[steve dray]

Welcome to OSF,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Think i've stopped laughing now You will fit in here no problem

[Burns]

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are

trying to hit.

 

haha, quality

 

welcome to osf

[Mr.Sumo]

Quality

 

Nice intro Mr.Bump

[glenbo]

i like it