Seen any good jokes you want to share?

[Jerrytom161]

[Jerrytom161]

[Vista]

It's a longish one but stick with it. 

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!

[Vista]

One that might appeal to any servicemen (ex or serving) on here. 

I was asked why a bomb in London would be defused by a Royal Navy Bomb Disposal Team rather than army?

The reason is quite logical.......While all 3 services have a Bomb Disposal capability. who deals with the device depends on where the bomb is found.

The Royal Navy deal with anything below the high water mark.

The army deal with anything above the high water mark.

The RAF deal with bath bombs and fizzy pop, unless there is a danger of spiders. In those cases they call in a service with more seniority... such as the boy scouts!

 

[PeteRS8084]

Very good, and having served on a strike RAF tornado station in the 80s I can confirm just how right you are, but they also like plenty of bunting too. Oh and I was army serving on a RAF station, so much fun and wind ups!

[Vista]

25 minutes ago, PeteRS8084 said:

Very good, and having served on a strike RAF tornado station in the 80s I can confirm just how right you are, but they also like plenty of bunting too. Oh and I was army serving on a RAF station, so much fun and wind ups!

" 'Orrible sideways motivated crustaceans!" Was how a REME sergeant I worked with once referred to them.

[DT36]

10 minutes ago, Vista said:

" 'Orrible sideways motivated crustaceans!" Was how a REME sergeant I worked with once referred to them.

We have a few crabs working with us. Good lads, but we give them some grief about the 5 Miler of Death. Never gets old 😂. 

[Vista]

[Vista]

[Rich T]

Sent to me earlier by a mate....

 

 

∅ _This message has been deleted by WhatsApp from *your phone* as it contained female nudity, the new artificial intelligence built into WhatsApp indicated that you do not like women because you are a massive bender_

[Vista]

Allegedly genuine extracts from Council complaint letters - so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words…

Me? I am trying to work out where No 21 lives. 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof... I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces...

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

[Vista]

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. 

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. 

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. 
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

[PeteRS8084]

And its all true!

[Vista]

This one may need some translation for those less familiar with military slang 😁

For all my crab and pongo oppos.

A pongo , crabfat and matelot all die on the same day and end up outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter is stood there and says:

" Before you can come in you have to tell me what you've done in your life"

The crabfat says ,’’ I served my country for 22 years, married a lady, had two children , went to church every Sunday, never worn jeans and have never drank. Sir’’

St. Peter says "OK, you're in, stand over there"

Next the pongo steps forward and tells St. Peter what he'd done.

‘’I served my country for 22 years, married twice, had 4 kids, attended church regularly, not worn jeans for 22 years and only drank at weekends. Sir’’ and he saluted.

St. Peter says "OK, you're in stand over there"

St. Peter turns round and Jack is walking back down the cloudy stairs.

St. Peter says "Where you going"

Jack replies "I ain't got no chance"

St. Peter says "No, no you have to play the game"

Jack says ok. "Well ermmm I served my country for 22 years, married 3 times had 6 children and 4 outside wedlock, went with stacks of dubious ladies in loads of different countries and even been with a kai thai, never been much for church, at the drop of a hat got my lagging off and was pissed every night and most times during the day.

St. Peter turns to the pongo and crab and says:
"You two are duty watch, me and Jack are going ashore!’

 

[Rally Pack 2000]

[Vista]

Man, he's got some stones on him!

 

[Rally Pack 2000]

Hahahahaha

The sculptures are funny too but was more laughing at your beach. Sink your toes into one of those golden beauties. LOL

[Vista]

[Rich T]

[Rich T]

Erm, just found these.....  

 

[Rich T]

[Vista]

On 09/02/2020 at 07:19, Jerrytom161 said:

Well that one hasn't aged well eh!

[Vista]

😂 

 

[notenoughtime]

[Vista]

Topical. Not mine, saw it online.

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.