Seen any good jokes you want to share?

[Dave Knight]

The man who invented the speed boat has died. 
 

it’s his funeral tomorrow, followed by a wake. 

[BaileyMex]

Droop snoot Mexico anyone? Always dry stored

[BaileyMex]

23 hours ago, Dave Knight said:

The man who invented the speed boat has died. 
 

it’s his funeral tomorrow, followed by a wake. 

Shit, just seen this post, timing is everything as they say

[Dave Knight]

What do you call a sarcastic Yorkshire Cowboy?

 

 

 

 

Tex Piss 

[Rally Pack 2000]

[Vista Estate]

A postman had been delivering letters all day in pouring rain. By late afternoon he was soaked, muddy, and exhausted.

He had just one final letter left, but unfortunately it was two miles down a narrow country lane.

By the time he reached the house he looked like he’d been mud wrestling.

He shut the garden gate, turned around…

…and suddenly a massive Rottweiler jumped up, putting two huge paws on his chest.

The postman froze.

Just then a little old lady leaned out of the upstairs window and shouted,

“Don’t worry, son! Just kick his balls!”

The postman yelled back,

“WHAT?!”

She shouted again,

“Kick his balls and he'll leave you alone! - he loves it”

Now the postman was wearing heavy size-12 steel-toe boots, the proper military kind.

So he took a step back and WHACK! — booted the dog square between the legs.

The dog let out a terrible howl took a step back and growled angrily at the postie.

The old lady screamed,

“You’re in BIG trouble now!”

The postman gasped,

“Why?! You told me to kick his balls!”

The old lady sighed and said,

“I meant the squeaky ones on the lawn beside you!” 😆

[Vista]

This thread needs a bump too.

 

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies: "yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that.

[Rally Pack 2000]

Statistics show that 95 per cent of the EVs sold in Australia are still on the road today. The rest were able to be driven home.

[quickrack]

Just home from hospital.

Wife heard me tell my buddy I was collecting an Escort and he said he'd bring some lube and he got it from his missus as well.....

[Rally Pack 2000]

Scuba Diving

[PeteRS8084]

Go scuba diving........its a gas 

[Dave Knight]

Just bought some Fred Flintstone aftershave.

It’s really strong, a little dab’ll do. 

[Dave Knight]

An interesting fact about footballer Danny Wellbeck, his father Stan worked in bomb disposable. 

[Rally Pack 2000]

8 hours ago, Dave Knight said:

An interesting fact about footballer Danny Wellbeck, his father Stan worked in bomb disposable. 

Wasn't that also a car joke?

" My father worked for Vauxhall during the war ................ bomb manufacturing"

[Rally Pack 2000]

[Miniliteman]

With all the water shortages firemen are selected on the size of their bladders.

 

[Rally Pack 2000]

3 hours ago, Miniliteman said:

With all the water shortages firemen are selected on the size of their bladders.

 

Its not like that when you get old!

[Dave Knight]

The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss 

[quickrack]

[Dave Knight]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day watching TV when there is a knock at the door. 

He opens the door and finds a delivery man with a clipboard, standing next to a wagon full of car parts. 

Mandela says he didn't order anything. The delivery man insists he has the right place, and they argue back and forth over a few days. 

Finally, Mandela loses his temper completely, grabs the man by the shirt front, and yells:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! 

The delivery man looks puzzled, consults his clipboard, and asks:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?

[Rally Pack 2000]

Often hear people complaining about the potholes in the UK .................