Seen any good jokes you want to share?

[Chriscross]

[eeb43]

keir starmer!

[Vista]

We haven't had a joke for a while have we? Showing my political bias here but:

 

Keir Starmer dies and stands in front of the pearly gates... 

Saint Peter says he will need to spend one day in hell. 

“It’s a requirement for people in your line of work,” he says. 

Scared of hell, Keir begins to try and charm Saint Peter into not going, but it’s no use. 

He drops him into the clouds, and the Keir falls in to Hell. 

He wakes up in a hotel room smelling bacon and hearing ocean waves crash. 

He opens his eyes to see a butler walking in with a Mai Tai, “Your drink, sir,” the butler says. 

“Who are you,” Keir says. “Satan!” 

He is too stunned to speak, so Satan fills the silence. “I know it's a shock, people expect the whole eternal misery, and really it’s just a lot of… what you would call, sins.”

Satan hands over the Mai Tai, and the Keir hears his wife’s voice calling. He looks out the window to see his wife and all his best friends. The man realizes he looks and feels 20 again and runs outside with his drink. 

Surrounded by his friends and beautiful wife, he spends the day surfing, drinking, and catching up with everyone.

The man and his wife, who haven’t seen each other in 6 years, talk and drink for hours before going to the room and making love like they did on their honeymoon. 

He is the happiest he’s ever been. 

And then he wakes up suddenly staring at the pearly gates again. 

Saint Peter starts, “Okay, what will it be?” “I can’t imagine there’s anything better than hell,” Keir says. 

“Well, heaven is the angels with gold wings, whole chorus singing and white robes thing,” St Peter says. 

“Ummmm… no, I’ll take Hell please,” responds Keir. 

“Yeah, that’s what people usually say,” Saint Peter says before dropping him again.

Awakening to stifling darkness, distant screams pierce his ears. Flickering flames in the distance reveal tormented souls. 

A lightning flash exposes Satan beside him, wickedly grinning with a soldering iron and razor-wire. 

“Where’s my wife? Where are my friends and all the drinks?” Keir shouts in despair. 

Satan leans in, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. But now, you have just cast your vote. So now you know how the UK feels.”

 

[Miniliteman]

3 minutes ago, Vista said:

Satan leans in, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. But now, you have just cast your vote. So now you know how the UK feels.”

 

Well, over here it's very similar. Just replace UK with Netherlands and Keir with Mark Rutte (former prime minister). Except for the fact that Rutte doesn't have a wife nor friends ...

[Vista]

Anyone free on Friday?

[Dave Knight]

When I was younger, my sister used to roll me around in a tyre

 

 

ahh, those were the Goodyears! 

[Dave Knight]

Do any members on here want any free copies of Chiropractor Weekly? 
 

I’ve got loads of back issues. 

[Dave Knight]

Dreadful last night, my next door neighbour was shot over 200 times with an industrial upholstery gun.

 

The Doctors at the hospital have said, he’s fully recovered. 🤣🤣🤣

[Vista]

A fair question I think!

[Rally Pack 2000]

17 hours ago, Vista said:

A fair question I think!

Yes its time to stop the finger-pointing and come up with better solution!

[accord83]

If it saves your life, pucker up and take it like a man!🤣🤣

[Vista]

Did they really just say that?? 😆

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: “There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[Rally Pack 2000]

On 22/10/2025 at 00:06, accord83 said:

If it saves your life, pucker up and take it like a man!🤣🤣

But what if they dont have a medical qualification? 😕

[Dave Knight]

8 and 12. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Rally Pack 2000]

[Vista Estate]

6 hours ago, Rally Pack 2000 said:

We could do with some of these as our border control 🤣

[Rally Pack 2000]

24 minutes ago, Vista Estate said:

We could do with some of these as our border control 🤣

That would work as they only seem to eat foreigners and tourists! But that may have something to do with the them interpreting the warning signs differently to the locals? (You need to pause after the first word)

[Miniliteman]

Someone "funny" changed that sign, was it you James?

 

[Rally Pack 2000]

16 hours ago, Miniliteman said:

Someone "funny" changed that sign, was it you James?

 

Someone added the exclamation mark!

[Miniliteman]

Did you change that sign as well?  😜

 

[Rally Pack 2000]

Ive already been bitten by one anyways.

[Rally Pack 2000]

This is actually not a joke this is a true story about me this week with my arm in a sling with not much to do so always find myself making regular cups of tea as that’s all I can do. And watch TV. (Thats gotten dramatically bad lately or is it just me?)

Anyways The past week I was making tea and it strangely tasted like honey! Sweet and sickly. So I thought it must be the sugar has caramelised or something, so threw that out washing it down the sink and opened a new packet made by a better company not the home brand of before. Made a cup of tea, still tasted like honey. So it was clear I had to embark on a scientific process of elimination. Now the Twinings teas with the Royal Crest On it I had bought as a bargain because it was out of date. The other box similarly purchased had tasted perfect but in case this second box had gone funny or moisture had ruined it I threw it in the bin and opened a new box of 100 and made a cup of tea with a 2027 use by date. Still tasted like honey. So I thought maybe my old Yeti camp cup I always used for years had just gotten a bit porous and holding bacteria. So I got out the new Clarkesons Farm mug I got for Christmas. Made a cup of tea, still tasted like honey. I then notice a bit of rust in the bottom of the electric kettle, ok then so out comes the gas camp stove and a stainless saucepan and boil it up and make a cup of tea. Still tasted like honey. So with them testing the new airport with flights over Sydney's water supply I wondered if they had adopted some new chemical ridden water filtration process. So I got out some bottle spring water poured it into the saucepan again low and behold still tasted like honey.

Now by this time I decided that my taste buds were to blame with all the Hill-billy Heroin and anti inflammatory medications I had been taking this past month had affected my sense of taste. I was saddened that may mean that the damage was permanent and I may never have a nice cup of tea again

At this point my 91yo mum came into the into the kitchen on her walker and asked what the hell I was doing with camp stoves water bottles and cups all over the place. I explained the situation and my methodology to determine the medications were affecting my sense of taste.

Mum pulled on the fridge door opened a bottle, took a whiff, Milk was off!!!!

[accord83]

😂 James, your sense of taste might be functioning, but I'd question your sense of smell, rancid milk stinks!

[Rally Pack 2000]

34 minutes ago, accord83 said:

😂 James, your sense of taste might be functioning, but I'd question your sense of smell, rancid milk stinks!

I just pour it in the cup I dont air sample the stuff! I stopped doing that in the 80s after those glue sniffing years 🤔

[accord83]

2 hours ago, Rally Pack 2000 said:

I just pour it in the cup I dont air sample the stuff! I stopped doing that in the 80s after those glue sniffing years 🤔

Those damn glue lactating bovines, start of many on a slippery slope...........

Maybe that's why Maggie Thatcher stopped free school milk in schools.🤔